Am I who I am by choice?

Ne haber!

That’s Turkish for ‘Wassup!’

Am I who I am by choice? Or even more importantly, who am I? Who are we? Do we define ourselves by what others say we are, do we define ourselves by what we tell ourselves we are or do we do it based on what we value and what we would like to be? Now, this is a discussion for another day.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about the differences that define us and the concepts that make us who we are. I must say I am liking the person I am becoming, it’s been a long journey. A look back at my past is met by the distinctive yet shy look of a young girl who’s building her life on the principle of ‘good-bad’. And now this me, a girl on her feet. What if I wasn’t me?

It is common for us to look at the world around us, make judgments and presumptions from our experiences, our truths, our hurts, our joys…our. But is this ‘our’ really ours? Say I wasn’t born in rural KE but into another family in another place like Lower Slovenia or Outer Mongolia. Then would I be me,this me now, or another me. Would I care for the things I do now?Would I be an activist? Would I love books? Would I love writing? Would I be an introvert? Would I love coffee? Would I prefer it white, no sugar? Would I be a foodie? Would I still be crazy? I could go on.

What I am trying to ask myself is whether the experiences that have formed the person I am now accords me the moral authority to question with some subtle disdain the other people who are different from me in terms of things I consider negatives. Because you see, I could have been them and them me.

But we can’t choose where to get born nor can we choose anything at that genesis of life. Everything gets decided for us in that regard and if we don’t learn to make our own choices after that then we will just be.

Later then,

j.

The things I tell myself

These last few days have been filled with a lot of learning. I am re-learning and learning new stuff. The most important thing that I have learnt is the power of the word of mouth. I know you must be thinking ‘self help!’ Relax. Far from it.

Words are important and play a very big part in who we are because you see they are only but a realization of what is in our minds. I am not one to be bothered by what others might say to me depending on what they are saying but what I say to myself is a whole different story.

I have learnt to say things to myself. Well, might sound crazy but yes I say stuff out loud to myself. Stuff like I am talented, I am happy, I am favoured, I l will be an awesome creator of works of art, I will live positively through the day, I can do this, I will do this, I am doing it…The thing is when I say these things to myself over and over again, they stick to my mind and I believe them and work purposely to make them happen.

Of course sometimes, like now, I tell myself to stop doing too much coffee but before I know it I am getting another cup.

Tell yourself positive stuff, you just might surprise yourself.

Later then,

j.

Ends the Summer

Hi,

Probably nothing under the sun is as sure as time. Sometimes we notice the passage of time depending on what we are going through. Sometimes though, time seems to drag by.

It is with a smile that I mark the end of summer. But what does this summer mean to me?

This is my first ever summer. We only have two seasons back home in KE, nothing much just rain and sun. I must say I was anxiously waiting for it seeing that many guys here were telling me there is nothing like an Antalya Summer. So when the sun finally came out it was nothing like I’d felt before. I remember going out to the shop with two friends at around midday. By the time we got to the shop we had sworn to stick indoors till sundown. Good thing we had aircon in the rooms.

Besides the heat, I learnt an important lesson; everything just looks hard at the beginning but with time you get used to it. If you recall I said here before I didn’t see how I was going to survive the summer here. I wasn’t working like most of the students which means money was also an issue. But I don’t regret one bit not taking up a job.I got to do a lot of work with the network on development, wrote a few pieces and well, did what I love best-spend time on the computer. Plus I somehow knew it would be the last summer I’d spend lazing about in the near future.

So now the sun is no longer that hot, we had rain yesterday actually. I am glad because this marks the end of an year of many struggles and the start of an year of many expectations. I have started a new count of the days and I mark them off at the end of the day. What this should tell you is that I am living one day at a time until June next year which will hopefully mark the start of a new year of living the dream and many opportunities. I eagerly await that year.

Won’t you join me as we start the new year and live it in all fullness because you see finally;

‘Ends the Summer’

Country Roads

Hi!

This post is influenced by a post I made yesterday on my Facebook saying that I miss home.

Well, I’d been talking to my baby sister and she was telling me all these stuff about home and halfway through that discussion I was ready to fly back home. It is funny though, when I left I was looking to start over. You know move to a town where nobody knows me, no I didn’t do anything back home that had me skip town, I just wanted a clean start. A new town, new environment, new faces, new culture, new people, new room…a place where I could be anybody I wanted. So as I left home, I did not for one minute think I’d miss my old town, old faces, old buildings, old …

A few months down the line in my new town I started missing home. Of course there are many things that made me miss home, top in the list is food. Well, I am a foodie but even for a foodie university dining hall’s food is something else. While I was super excited to try out new foods, cuisine and everything I was confronted by food in a layer of orange oil, overcooked veges and chicken. This made me miss even the foods I wouldn’t touch while at home.

While food played a major role, what made me miss home most is ‘country roads’. When I went online and somehow I came across pictures of roads, those dusty roads that wind up in the countryside. Some cascade down valleys, some run across plains, some cut across thick vegetation. Along this roads you find all sorts of people, but some like country roads are bound to be are empty save for one or two lonesome souls. These roads hold me, gird my heart and transport me from the clean roads of Antalya back to KE. They will remind me of places I have been, people we have traveled with but most of all they will take me home.

Of course lot’s of things remind me of home but none with such intensity as country roads. As I write my post on Facebook continues to attract likes and comments. I still can’t understand why. But I think most of us are missing home, home here being that place that makes your heart sing and your spirit soar.

I miss home!

j.

To be so damn stubborn

To have all the odds against you

To walk around with a heart so heavy it slows the pace

To count the steps as you walk with effort

To have eyes stare at you walk with you

To get word after word of how bad it is

To nod briefly with sadness and utter something

To force a smile on you that smile

To want to scream to be left the fuck alone

To want to tell them to go to hell

To know that would simply give em confirmation

To walk back to your heart a broken soul

To sit in there in the loneliness

To listen to yourself and hear nothing

To know that this is finally it

YOU ARE CRUSHING

To know that but to look deep into you

To know that you can’t do that

To rise up slowly with effort but to rise

To dust off to fold the sleeves to resolve

To refuse to give up in the face of odds

To refuse to give in to the stares the write-offs

To know that you owe nothing to nobody but you

To let determination gird your heart

To have it mend your soul bit by bit

To be so damn stubborn a soul

To simply refuse the environment define you

TO BE THE CAPTAIN OF YOUR OWN SOUL

 

 

Counting Days

Greetings from my city good people,

Well, I am almost hitting the bed but I couldn’t call it a day without talking to you. First of all today is the 29th which means that it is almost end of July which also means it is almost the end of Summer.

To be honest I didn’t believe I would survive Summer here and when all this begun I had a list of the dates up in my wardrobe where I could cancel them out at the end of each day. The only other time I had to cancel out days was when I was teaching History at Ol’ Dexter High and I hated it at the start. Now that I have survived one month I have this feeling in my heart. I am so scared that it is almost over and the Uni will reopen for the fall semester which means that the students will be back. The students I am talking about here are my roommates, what I hate about their return is the noise. Seriously, I haven’t seen louder people!

Now I mark off the date at the end of each day and with it my heart breaks a bit. I guess I am also a little bit scared of what the new semester will bring. I am scared of doing an MA in Turkish and also of the professors I will find at the department. Given that when I start over-thinking I start worrying I guess I should take a breath and maybe enjoy the one last month of a Summer that might be my last here.

Today I also made a list of the things I want to do for the rest of the year. And by year I mean 153 days-yes I got it all counted. Well, I know this is just but a list but it will be kind of good to look back on the 31st and see what I have managed to do. In the meantime I can’t stop thinking about that noise that will befall me in a few days. If I keep pretty still, I can hear it.

Sh…

j.