The things I tell myself

These last few days have been filled with a lot of learning. I am re-learning and learning new stuff. The most important thing that I have learnt is the power of the word of mouth. I know you must be thinking ‘self help!’ Relax. Far from it.

Words are important and play a very big part in who we are because you see they are only but a realization of what is in our minds. I am not one to be bothered by what others might say to me depending on what they are saying but what I say to myself is a whole different story.

I have learnt to say things to myself. Well, might sound crazy but yes I say stuff out loud to myself. Stuff like I am talented, I am happy, I am favoured, I l will be an awesome creator of works of art, I will live positively through the day, I can do this, I will do this, I am doing it…The thing is when I say these things to myself over and over again, they stick to my mind and I believe them and work purposely to make them happen.

Of course sometimes, like now, I tell myself to stop doing too much coffee but before I know it I am getting another cup.

Tell yourself positive stuff, you just might surprise yourself.

Later then,

j.

Ends the Summer

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Hi,

Probably nothing under the sun is as sure as time. Sometimes we notice the passage of time depending on what we are going through. Sometimes though, time seems to drag by.

It is with a smile that I mark the end of summer. But what does this summer mean to me?

This is my first ever summer. We only have two seasons back home in KE, nothing much just rain and sun. I must say I was anxiously waiting for it seeing that many guys here were telling me there is nothing like an Antalya Summer. So when the sun finally came out it was nothing like I’d felt before. I remember going out to the shop with two friends at around midday. By the time we got to the shop we had sworn to stick indoors till sundown. Good thing we had aircon in the rooms.

Besides the heat, I learnt an important lesson; everything just looks hard at the beginning but with time you get used to it. If you recall I said here before I didn’t see how I was going to survive the summer here. I wasn’t working like most of the students which means money was also an issue. But I don’t regret one bit not taking up a job.I got to do a lot of work with the network on development, wrote a few pieces and well, did what I love best-spend time on the computer. Plus I somehow knew it would be the last summer I’d spend lazing about in the near future.

So now the sun is no longer that hot, we had rain yesterday actually. I am glad because this marks the end of an year of many struggles and the start of an year of many expectations. I have started a new count of the days and I mark them off at the end of the day. What this should tell you is that I am living one day at a time until June next year which will hopefully mark the start of a new year of living the dream and many opportunities. I eagerly await that year.

Won’t you join me as we start the new year and live it in all fullness because you see finally;

‘Ends the Summer’

Country Roads

Hi!

This post is influenced by a post I made yesterday on my Facebook saying that I miss home.

Well, I’d been talking to my baby sister and she was telling me all these stuff about home and halfway through that discussion I was ready to fly back home. It is funny though, when I left I was looking to start over. You know move to a town where nobody knows me, no I didn’t do anything back home that had me skip town, I just wanted a clean start. A new town, new environment, new faces, new culture, new people, new room…a place where I could be anybody I wanted. So as I left home, I did not for one minute think I’d miss my old town, old faces, old buildings, old …

A few months down the line in my new town I started missing home. Of course there are many things that made me miss home, top in the list is food. Well, I am a foodie but even for a foodie university dining hall’s food is something else. While I was super excited to try out new foods, cuisine and everything I was confronted by food in a layer of orange oil, overcooked veges and chicken. This made me miss even the foods I wouldn’t touch while at home.

While food played a major role, what made me miss home most is ‘country roads’. When I went online and somehow I came across pictures of roads, those dusty roads that wind up in the countryside. Some cascade down valleys, some run across plains, some cut across thick vegetation. Along this roads you find all sorts of people, but some like country roads are bound to be are empty save for one or two lonesome souls. These roads hold me, gird my heart and transport me from the clean roads of Antalya back to KE. They will remind me of places I have been, people we have traveled with but most of all they will take me home.

Of course lot’s of things remind me of home but none with such intensity as country roads. As I write my post on Facebook continues to attract likes and comments. I still can’t understand why. But I think most of us are missing home, home here being that place that makes your heart sing and your spirit soar.

I miss home!

j.

To be so damn stubborn

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To have all the odds against you

To walk around with a heart so heavy it slows the pace

To count the steps as you walk with effort

To have eyes stare at you walk with you

To get word after word of how bad it is

To nod briefly with sadness and utter something

To force a smile on you that smile

To want to scream to be left the fuck alone

To want to tell them to go to hell

To know that would simply give em confirmation

To walk back to your heart a broken soul

To sit in there in the loneliness

To listen to yourself and hear nothing

To know that this is finally it

YOU ARE CRUSHING

To know that but to look deep into you

To know that you can’t do that

To rise up slowly with effort but to rise

To dust off to fold the sleeves to resolve

To refuse to give up in the face of odds

To refuse to give in to the stares the write-offs

To know that you owe nothing to nobody but you

To let determination gird your heart

To have it mend your soul bit by bit

To be so damn stubborn a soul

To simply refuse the environment define you

TO BE THE CAPTAIN OF YOUR OWN SOUL

 

 

Counting Days

Greetings from my city good people,

Well, I am almost hitting the bed but I couldn’t call it a day without talking to you. First of all today is the 29th which means that it is almost end of July which also means it is almost the end of Summer.

To be honest I didn’t believe I would survive Summer here and when all this begun I had a list of the dates up in my wardrobe where I could cancel them out at the end of each day. The only other time I had to cancel out days was when I was teaching History at Ol’ Dexter High and I hated it at the start. Now that I have survived one month I have this feeling in my heart. I am so scared that it is almost over and the Uni will reopen for the fall semester which means that the students will be back. The students I am talking about here are my roommates, what I hate about their return is the noise. Seriously, I haven’t seen louder people!

Now I mark off the date at the end of each day and with it my heart breaks a bit. I guess I am also a little bit scared of what the new semester will bring. I am scared of doing an MA in Turkish and also of the professors I will find at the department. Given that when I start over-thinking I start worrying I guess I should take a breath and maybe enjoy the one last month of a Summer that might be my last here.

Today I also made a list of the things I want to do for the rest of the year. And by year I mean 153 days-yes I got it all counted. Well, I know this is just but a list but it will be kind of good to look back on the 31st and see what I have managed to do. In the meantime I can’t stop thinking about that noise that will befall me in a few days. If I keep pretty still, I can hear it.

Sh…

j.

100 days.

100 days today 276 girls in Nigeria were forcefully taken by armed militants in the dark of the night. As I write they are still out there. I can’t even begin to imagine what they are going through. Therefore today’s post as I have done in all my social networks is about them. It is a call to everybody to rise, to get angry and to act so that we can:

#BringBackOurGirls.

j.

Mr.Fines

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Hi,

Today I was going to tell you about this place I visited yesterday after getting lost the day before yesterday. But to borrow from a cliche, that’s a story for another day.Instead I will tell you about my friend.

Mr. Fines.

Probably if he ever reads this he will now know this is the name I gave him. I always told him I had gotten him a name. I know you are wondering why we are talking in the past tense. See, it has been months since we spoke. I feel like I have left him somewhere in my past, like he is still living in the past. Problem is I can’t move back to the past. First the name – Mr. Fines from the many fines he liked to subject me to. A fine for failing to meet a promise, for forgetting something, for this and that basically. I also swiftly learnt to fine him. Mostly the fines came in the form of coffee and yes books. I think part of the reasons why I meet and make friends is because of books.

Mr. Fines just like me also loves the written word. We exchanged books and yes discussed the books. He is also a writer, he has a way with words. Which reminds me that the last time we talked he was in the middle of writing his novel. I say this with a bit of a heavy heart, I don’t even know if he really got to finish it. Worst thing is I have no way of knowing if he has. See, he has sort of disappeared into a continued hibernation. So I guess I will leave him a note here-

“Mr. Fines I can only hope you are fine in light of ¬†everything. I dunno why but for some reason I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I hope whatever has caused this hibernation passes and I hope you master enough strength to emerge from it stronger. I wish for you and the family good health and best of luck. I hope you still haven’t lost the muse. I hope the gift of the word is still with you. Oh and I hope the dream is still there because so long as there is a dream there is a hope. I also hope you are writing. Oh I have a lot of pieces out there that I have penned, I need you to get back so that you can critique them.”

Anyway sometimes we go through things in life and the only thing that we have to do is to close into ourselves and try to hope that whatever it is we will go through it or that time will get us out of it. I know this because I also do that. During such darkness I sit in my corner and just want to be left alone. However, should some soul call unto mine during that darkness somehow I get back. I guess that is why I am trying to reach Mr. Fines. I can only hope that these words will call unto his soul so that somehow he can get back. For now I sit here hope against hope that my friend is okay and when time is right he will get back. But for now ladies and gentlemen, meet my friend Mr. Fines.

This one is for my dearly missed friend Mr. Fines.

Later then,

j.

Gym

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Hi,

Being an introvert and an internet junkie comes with its disadvantages. Sitting for hours on end working online means that you get very few hours to do physical exercise. This is what drove me to the gym this morning. An aching back. See I have done gym before and running in the morning but no I haven’t done this sort of gym before. The couch I am working with now comes from Mars and he doesn’t take shit like lazing about. I think he is a bit crazy. Let’s just say I am sore all over from all the workout. I am doing everything in a bunch of 15 for 3 times. Everything. Well, I need to summon all the will I need to do this. But the thing is, I have no option. I promised myself I would do everything I wanted and this is one. I have to be physically fit as well as mentally. So here is to a month of squats and more squats.

j.

Yoghurt

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When you are away from home small things take you back home every now and then.

I am sleeping, okay I am watching Chef Ramsay on YouTube in preparation for my plan z when everything else fails, when my roommate walks in. Guess what she has for me? Yoghurt! No I am not talking the natural yoghurt the Turks love, I am talking sweet thick fruit yoghurt. I did a double take, leaped out of bed and embraced her in a bear hug. Okay I didn’t, make no mistake I wanted to, but I told her countless ‘thank yous’. When I woke up this morning the only thing I could think of is the yoghurt. Small pleasures like I said. I am waiting for that pleasure called chapati though.

This reminds me of food and so this post will be about food. Early this week I visited a Kenyan friend and she made me ugali. Can you believe it? I couldn’t believe it too. Well it was made out of corn flour so it was yellow and sweet but you bet I loved it! Funny thing is, when I am at home I rarely take ugali. They will tell you I hate it should you ask the family. I loved it. Again when you are away you take pleasure in anything that says ‘home’.

Finally, I can’t wait to get back to the kitchen again. I have a million things I want to try out. Yes, this has something to do with Chef Ramsay. Oh and now I know what I will do should they decide I am not cut out for the academia. Head to Fiji and open a roadside eatery serving everything from Scallop to Risotto. In the meanwhile, that yoghurt calls for me.

Later then,

j.

 

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