As long as I can remember, I have been a constant worrier. Worrying about everything. Everything including the past, the present and the future. I live in a constant mode of worry and when once in a while I stop worrying I experience a rush of happiness. During such moments I think everything is going to be okay and I believe it. As soon as I reach the high of that joy, I come crushing back to the pit of worry. My brain switches back to worry mode.
How did I get here? How did I become a worrier?
Honestly I became a worrier when I was a kid. In that tender age of childhood. When I didn’t know shit and was just meeting the world. Normally, in an ideal situation a child is supposed to meet a warm world, a warm environment from which she can learn and create her own space. But in those formative years, the world handed me all sorts of stuff. I am not saying I had a bad childhood. I am saying the world handed me fear, gave me a grandmother who scared the shit out of me, then gave me lots of other things that simply told me ‘Worry child, worry’ …I have worried ever since.
I worried about the family. I worried about Tedd and Robb and what sort of life they would lead as they entered into young adulthood I worried about mama and the duty she had on her shoulders of bringing us up and I worried about Webb. I will tell you a story about somebody I call Webb someday. When I am ready. I worry about everything. For a long time I have gone about life feeling like everything is my responsibility and when things start going south I get crushed and most often get into depression – but don’t worry I haven’t had to be committed yet.
The past one year has been a tough year for me. How I lived through it is something I haven’t understood yet but yes I lived through it, survived a new country, a new culture, loud people, different weather and learnt a new language while at it. While it has been tough I have done most of my development work with that kick ass online network I work with and reached thousands of young people across Africa who are passionate about development. I will always be grateful that I know that one thing that I want to do with my life. I want to see Africa become a self-sustaining continent. I am proud of the work I am doing. I know in the larger picture of things it is a speck but still it is something and I am doing something however small. The hardest part of the year though has been getting rejection letter after rejection letter especially from #ku that cool Uni I was gonna join this September. And worst of all the interview I missed the other day, I am still trying to understand how that happened.
Anyway, that was my year of 25 and when I turned 26 this June I told myself one thing- I have to grow up. What I should have told myself is that I have to stop worrying. This past few weeks have taught me to stop worrying. To stop it all and live life because I only get to be 26 once. So I have decided nothing matters anymore and worrying about shit I can’t change does not make any one single difference. I think what this means to me is that I can finally stop take a breath and do what I want. I can decide to wake up, pack a bag, the cool travel bag I bought last year, and just hit the road. I feel like I have the power to make a choice because this is life, I am not preparing for it. This is it and I could die now, on my computer in room 305 of this dormitory that I hate, and then what? What will I have done? Will I have lived? As such I owe it to The Man to live. To do the things I want to do. I know exactly what I want to do and nothing will stop me, not a million rejection letters, not expectations, nothing. Because nothing has nothing to do with nothing, if you want something you simply get up and get it for yourself. That is what I am doing. I have made plans already and the year of 26 is definitely going to be different.
I once read somewhere that you should believe that dreams come true because they do and you should have the courage to dream, but not just to dream but to dream wild, huge, dazzling, extraordinary dreams because dreams come true. I guess what I am saying is that I have stopped worrying and I have started living and dreaming crazy dreams because this is life, and the only thing I am sure of is this day, this hour, this minute, this second…it is the only life I have.
This one is for the 26th; let’s go rock it!